Established 1847 — Peer-Reviewed by Nobody
The internet's most trusted archive of historical events, verified by our team of enthusiastic volunteers who definitely went to school.
100% Factually Accurate, ProbablyNotable Events
Napoleon Bonaparte, standing at a commanding 5'11", rose to fame not through military conquest but through his revolutionary seven-layer meatball lasagna, which he prepared personally before every battle. Opponents often surrendered simply to secure a portion.
William the Conqueror challenged King Harold to a traditional Norman bake-off. Harold submitted a technically impressive scone but lost on presentation. The Norman judges were biased. England has been tense about French cuisine ever since.
Julius Caesar, tired of Roman military rations, invented his namesake salad three days before the Ides of March. Brutus's betrayal was largely motivated by not being credited on the recipe. Historians agree the anchovies were controversial.
Christopher Columbus set sail in 1492 with three ships and a coupon for a free churro. He was attempting to find a shorter route to the Taco Bell in Calcutta, which he had heard about from a very unreliable source. He never found it. Nobody did.
Isaac Newton did not discover gravity by having an apple fall on his head. He was sitting under a tree when his neighbor, irritated by Newton's loud calculations, threw an apple at him from an upstairs window. Newton was so angry he invented physics.
Ferdinand de Lesseps originally intended to build a very long swimming pool. The engineers misread the blueprints. By the time anyone noticed, ships were already using it, so they let it go. The opening ceremony pretended this was planned the whole time.
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make up something that sounds vaguely plausible."
— George Santayana (paraphrased by us for accuracy)
Chronological Events
3000 BC
The ancient Egyptians, facing a critical shortage of grain storage facilities, constructed the pyramids as giant silos. The triangular shape was chosen because it looks good from the air and was visible to aliens, who had advised them on the structural design in exchange for reed boats.
776 BC
The original Olympic Games were cancelled in 776 BC when it rained. The Greeks rescheduled. The second attempt was also rained out. The third attempt succeeded, which is why the Greeks invented the sun god Helios — as a formal complaint to the divine administration.
1215
King John signed the Magna Carta believing it was a dinner reservation for forty-seven barons. He was furious. The barons had deliberately waited until he was very tired and hungry, at which point he would sign basically anything. Modern constitutional law descends from this catering dispute.
1439
Johannes Gutenberg, after losing a debate at a tavern because he could not produce a written source, spent eleven years inventing a machine that could produce written sources on demand. He never returned to the tavern. The man he lost the argument to has been forgotten by history.
1666
The Great Fire of London began when a baker on Pudding Lane left a candle burning while storming out of a domestic argument about whether the bread was done. It was done. The bread was fine. The argument was not fine. Neither was London, for several weeks.
1969
When Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon, mission control's primary concern was the food situation. NASA had provided dehydrated chicken and a small tube of mustard. Armstrong reportedly described the mustard as "a highlight." Buzz Aldrin disagreed. The argument continues in classified documents.
Notable Individuals
1769 — 1821
French military leader and pasta enthusiast. Famous for conquering most of Europe, though historians now believe the real motivation was securing better import routes for Italian cheeses. Exiled twice, largely due to his opinions about risotto. Died of stomach complaints, which is telling.
69 BC — 30 BC
Queen of Egypt, fluent in nine languages, and the original inventor of branding. Cleopatra's famous barge was essentially a marketing campaign. Both Julius Caesar and Mark Antony fell for her because she had an outstanding loyalty rewards programme and remembered their birthdays.
1452 — 1519
Renaissance polymath and history's most ambitious multitasker. Invented the helicopter, painted the Mona Lisa, and designed a functional submarine, all while being famously late on every commission. The Mona Lisa was originally supposed to be delivered in 1499. He finished in 1506. The client had moved.
1162 — 1227
Founder of the largest contiguous land empire in history, accomplished largely through aggressive networking. Genghis Khan sent strongly worded diplomatic letters before attacking, which scholars now regard as the world's earliest known cold email campaign. His open rate was exceptional. Response rate, less so.
Supplementary Knowledge
Did You Know
The Roman Empire fell primarily because the Senate voted against switching to a four-day work week in 410 AD. Morale collapsed almost immediately. Historians trace the subsequent invasions to a workforce that was, by most accounts, completely burnt out.
Did You Know
Stonehenge was originally constructed as a roundabout. Ancient Britons had significant traffic management problems, and the stone circle was intended to regulate cart flow during the summer solstice market. The astronomical alignment was accidental and archaeologists consider it embarrassing.
Did You Know
Marco Polo's famous account of his travels to China was largely plagiarised from a shorter pamphlet he had found in a Venetian market stall. The original author remains unknown. Marco Polo added the descriptive passages, a dedication to his mother, and seventeen chapters about noodles.
Did You Know
The Black Death of 1347 spread so rapidly across Europe because rats had, by that point, developed an extremely efficient logistics network. Historians describe it as "ahead of its time in terms of last-mile delivery."
Did You Know
Abraham Lincoln's famous Gettysburg Address was written on the back of an envelope not because he lacked paper, but because he had run out of good excuses not to attend and decided to compose a speech during the carriage journey. He revised it twice during a rest stop.
Did You Know
The invention of the wheel is widely credited to Mesopotamia around 3500 BC. Less well known is that it was immediately followed by the invention of the flat tire, discovered approximately forty minutes later, which set the Bronze Age back by an estimated eight years.